I watched the weekend pass, and a few days of this week. Its not gonna happen. I made it about 3000 words, which is about fitting for an earnest newcomer.
Actually, I liked the last thing I started to write. I just don’t want to force myself if I’m not ready for it.
I skipped scriptfrenzy, too. For haikus. Some of them were good, but I was hard pressed to regularly care.
I thought about stuff, I had a few Ideas, even. It was never quite on my schedule, and it seems like it was … forced. Not in a good way. I couldn’t latch on to anything that I cared about, even enough to bullshit for a few thousand more words.
I’m not doing thanksgiving, really, this November is pretty unladen. Outside of work, of course, which is difficult, but not stressful by a yard.
I do feel like I have crossed a new boundary.
I’m just a little too old.
I can’t quite do it anymore. I can’t stay up all night watching old school rap videos on youtube and go to work. I used to spend wednesday nights dj’ing, then would wheel my turntables around on a makeshift dolly to all night yakiniku spots in tokyo, then drag 200 pounds of turntables and records home down a train and a mile walk — including dragging everything up and down a short stair case over a bridge, and up a full staircase at home — to bed down at 6am. All that to get up at 8:30, put on a shirt and tie and read poorly translated kids stories to a gym with 100+ kindergartners.
I don’t have any of those obligations anymore. In fact, much of my current life was me trying to find some kind of stability and sustainability.
Well, I pulled that off, but once again, I am uninspired, or at least would rather not type so much.
I am a very particular kind of burned out.
I have few obligations, and a lot of opportunity, but there is nothing wrong with my status quo.
In fact, it would be hard to beat.
Still, I could do better: I could make more money, move, travel, make families, start a wilderness appreciation club, buy an RV and ; … anything!
But that shits a pain in the ass, really.
I have a job I can do, I’m not over-qualified or underpaid, I’m not with some fly by night start-up, and I’m not over-worked.
I’m also not easily replaced.
It is scary that this is the longest that I’ve ever had a job. It was humorous when I was 24 and had a job for 18 months.
Anyway, this year I would rather drink, play video-games and surf the internet. I’m life constipated, and puking out 1667 words a day on some shit I don’t care about isn’t going to pass it.
-+ Peace +-