(from the archives)
Hello commuters, this isnt just any werewolf story. This is a futuristic werewolf story. One about flying cars, super-duper toasters, and werewolves. Not just any werewolves, though FUTURISTIC werewolves. Werewolves with cybernetic arms and titanium teeth and stuff.
So here it is.
It was a dark and stormy night. In the future. Balthsiac, the hero, shuddered in the rain, throwing his long dark hair, measuring over 1 metre in length over his broad shoulders. His bomber jacket was brown, and had a little logo-thing that looked like a dog, or something, only i think it was dead. Because balthaziac was a hunter, but Balthaziac wasnt just any hunter, no, Balthaziac was a werewolf hunter. And tonight he hunted his prey: werewolves. Tonight was different, though, not only was the good weather unusually dark and stormy, but this werewolf was also different. This werewolf was different because it was a futuristic werewolf, or so Balthaziac had heard. Futuristic werewolves arent like normal werewolves that we have today, because, like, in the future, werewolves, like people in the future, have stuff added in to them.
Balthaziac had been “hot on the trail” of this future werewolf for a long time. He heard about it in the mean streets of detroit, while in a taxi, talking to the taxi driver. The taxi driver wasnt a futuristic werewolf, he was just a regular person with cyber-arms, with an android for a wife. And he was talking to Balthaziac about sports and stuff when Balthaziac accidentally said that he was a werewolf hunter.
“Im a werewolf hunter,” Balthaziac accidentally said.
“Really? Have you heard about the werewolf of the future?” The taxi-driver with the cyber-arms and android wife in the glovebox said.
“Well, i usually dont tell people, but what is the ‘werewolf of the future’” Balthaziac the werewolf hunter said.
“Well, i just gave it a ride to a menacing dark alley north of here, it was just like a normal werewolf, only it had future stuff, like…. ”
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irac ‚Ì”Œ¾ :
but what is the “stuff added in to them?” the werewolves i mean…the futuristic ones.
scrame ‚Ì”Œ¾ :
you know, stuff…like cyber-arms, and eyes with video cameras and cellphones in their feet
yknow, like stuff people in the future would have…
irac ‚Ì”Œ¾ :
that’s it? no built in dvd player? are their feet webbed?
scrame ‚Ì”Œ¾ :
this is the FUTURE im talking about DVD players are so 2001
irac ‚Ì”Œ¾ :
i’m slow….you asshole
scrame ‚Ì”Œ¾ :
a werewolf with webbed feet?
irac ‚Ì”Œ¾ :
sure
scrame ‚Ì”Œ¾ :
i guess that would help it swim
irac ‚Ì”Œ¾ :
won’t we all have webbed feet in the future
scrame ‚Ì”Œ¾ :
but it would have to be cyber webbing
with, like, computer chips to make it swim better
but what does that have to do with werewolves?
irac ‚Ì”Œ¾ :
werewolves need to swim in the sludge! how are they gettin around town and stuff? taking the metro?? hell no. not in this thick soupy mess
scrame ‚Ì”Œ¾ :
well, werewolves can take taxis…
irac ‚Ì”Œ¾ :
oh wait, there’s taxis? just started re reading the stuff. sorry
scrame ‚Ì”Œ¾ :
yeah
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….cyber-webbed feet and and video-cameras for eyes” said the sensible taxi-driver replacing the batteries in his android wife in the glove compartment with one muscley cyber-arm and making a good left turn with the other.
“i implore, you,” said Balthaziac, “take me to where you last saw this future werewolf,” he brandished his werewolf patch, “for you see, I am a werewolf hunter!”
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irac ‚Ì”Œ¾ :
how do they pay the fare? taxis every time?
scrame ‚Ì”Œ¾ :
future werewolves have atms in their chest
irac ‚Ì”Œ¾ :
what’s that?
scrame ‚Ì”Œ¾ :
ATMs? they are futuristic machines that dispense money
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“OK,” said the futuristic taxidriver, now holding the steering wheel with both cyber-arms because he needed all the concentration he could muster for this intense flying car chase, a werewolf, on foot, from the future. By the way in the future, all cars fly.
“actually I knew you were a werewolf hunter before you brandished your werewolf hunter ID picture,” said taxi-driving man of the future.
“how?” asked balthaziac said.
“you told me.” remarked the taxidriver, pointing smartly at his titanium future teeth with his giant cyber-arm.
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irac ‚Ì”Œ¾ :
so in the future there are werewolves taking taxis making calls with their phone feet and paying everyone in twenties. WHO ARE THEY TALKING TO AND WHERE ARE THEY GOING? i’m having some trouble with this story
scrame ‚Ì”Œ¾ :
it seems to me like you get it just fine
irac ‚Ì”Œ¾ :
do they wear clothes? capes?
scrame ‚Ì”Œ¾ :
a werewolf in a cape? are you even paying attention? Balthaziac has a leather jacket though….
irac ‚Ì”Œ¾ :
i didn’t read the first bit you sent over. i’m lost. what is balt? is he a regular guy or is he android?
scrame ‚Ì”Œ¾ :
balthaziac is a werewolf hunter
irac ‚Ì”Œ¾ :
is the detroit taxi a flashback or are we right there with them?
scrame ‚Ì”Œ¾ :
i dont remember
irac ‚Ì”Œ¾ :
come on man! get this story together!
is detroit a big hub in the future now that they are producing the flying-model cars?
scrame ‚Ì”Œ¾ :
detroit was, is and ever shall be, the detroit taxi scene is a flashback to how he ended up in the alley chasing the werewolf of the future
irac ‚Ì”Œ¾ :
ok, who’s telling this story? are we seeing the flashback through the eyes of balthaziac?
scrame ‚Ì”Œ¾ :
IM TELLING THE GODDAMN STORY!
balthaziac is a character, its all told in the third person
irac ‚Ì”Œ¾ :
ok, i’m pickin up what you’re puttin down…i’m smellin what you’re cookin…i’m caught up now
scrame ‚Ì”Œ¾ :
ok
irac ‚Ì”Œ¾ :
did you change your font? it’s all teeny tiny and default-y looking
scrame ‚Ì”Œ¾ :
hmmm, i dont think so
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It was an intense car chase, the taxi driver almost crashed a couple of times, but he was a good driver, lots of times taxi drivers are good drivers because they drive all day, even though people make jokes that they arent, i saw this thing on fox about it once, but then also, like in the future, cyber-arms help them drive.
They got to the alley, Balthaziac cooley dropped some future money out of his credit-wallet of the future, he was running low , but after he emptied the atm of the future werewolf he would have more uhhh…future money.
Balthaziac stood at the entrance of the alley, which was dark and scary.in the distance he heard a howl, but it sounded like it hi-tech computer howl,
“it must be the future werewolf,” balthaziac thought. He drew his silver garlick steak.
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irac ‚Ì”Œ¾ :
steak? garlick?
scrame ‚Ì”Œ¾ :
you really dont know anything about future werewolves, do you?
irac ‚Ì”Œ¾ :
that’s why i’m reading your story
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He walked slowly down the alley, using his ninja skills to make him quieter. Steak ready in hand, aged to perfection,
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irac ‚Ì”Œ¾ :
silver meat was drawn. this is what you’re telling me.
scrame ‚Ì”Œ¾ :
precisely
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Then, in the corner, he heard a soft, mechanical panting, doing a giant ninja jump he used his skills to stop just in time. It was only a harmless swiss mecha-cat, setting its alarm clock. The cat looked surprised, like someone who walked in the door at a surprise party, and was surprised. Then it ran away.
“Then, where is the werewolf?” thought Balthaziac to himself, careful to stay quiet like a ninja.
Suddenly, the future werewolf jumped down in front of him. It was even siracer than you thought, it was like a normal werewolf, but it had the cyber-arms, video-camera eyes, an atm chest, titanium teeth AND claws, and its feet were silver garlick steaks, thus rendering it immune to balthaziacs silver garlick steaks…are you as scared as me?
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irac ‚Ì”Œ¾ :
yes i am terrified.
scrame ‚Ì”Œ¾ :
good, you should be
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The future werewolf was also 7 metres tall.
Balthaziac, was scared shitless, and by that I mean, all his shit was in his pants instead of in his stomach or the toilet, where shit usually is.
The futuristic werewolf reared its head, and gave a really scary future-mecha-roar. But then Balthaziac remembered his secret weapon….the super-duper toaster!
It was a long battle with lots of jumping up and down and shouting and stuff, but then Balthaziac plugged the toaster in to the wall of the alley, and held it where the futuristic werewolf thought that Balthaziac (the werewolf hunter, remember?) would have his head, instead, and then the super-duper toasters werewolf shocking feature kicked in. And the werewolf died.
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irac ‚Ì”Œ¾ :
then what?
scrame ‚Ì”Œ¾ :
im getting to it…
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Then Balthaziac took the money on his futuristic credit wallet, but then he saw the werewolfs wallet, and the picture of his future werewolf family, and futurewerewolf kids, and looked at the pained tearful expression of the werewolf that he just killed for money.
For the first time in his life, Balthaziac cried, and said out loud to the world “Whose the real monster here?!?!?!?!”
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irac ‚Ì”Œ¾ :
how tragic
scrame ‚Ì”Œ¾ :
(i wonder if james joyce had to deal with this much critical sarcasm when he wrote Ulysses)
irac ‚Ì”Œ¾ :
yea probably
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THE END… ?
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scrame ‚Ì”Œ¾ :
well, thats my novel, its everything i hoped it would be, and more
irac ‚Ì”Œ¾ :
i met you ’96? i’ve read a lot of your stories. this one is a bit of a departure for you. there’s a lot more happening in it, but you’re usually much better setting it up. more descriptive. and it’s set in the future. that’s new
scrame ‚Ì”Œ¾ :
I know, this one is all about action, I really envisioned it being a blockbuster, usually its in the past with swords and wizards and stuffbut iwas trying not to be too literary this time, that stuff has trouble getting translated in to a big-budget blockbuster
irac ‚Ì”Œ¾ :
yeah, do you want to be harry potter or morpheus? i get it. i still think you need some webbed feet thrown in there.
scrame ‚Ì”Œ¾ :
well, i included your running commentary in the final version; its very post-modern.
irac ‚Ì”Œ¾ :
neat.
scrame ‚Ì”Œ¾ :
yeah, it also makes it much longer, its the same technique steven king uses
irac ‚Ì”Œ¾ :
i hate steven king
scrame ‚Ì”Œ¾ :
well, only because he includes your running commentary in his books to make them longer, his books are every bit as good as my future werewolf story
irac ‚Ì”Œ¾ :
no yours is better.
scrame ‚Ì”Œ¾ :
well, it has werewolves in it…
irac ‚Ì”Œ¾ :
i don’t usually like genre-stuff
scrame ‚Ì”Œ¾ :
right, but this is like, a cross-genre, because the werewolves are in the future, that was my premise “what if werewolves were in the future,” i cover it in the introduction
irac ‚Ì”Œ¾ :
it’s too short to call a novel
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